“The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It’s people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They’re the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls.” – David Letterman
“This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, ‘You first’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans’ phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he’s hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, ‘I don’t want to be punished by the government – so I guess I’ll go to China’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he’s very pleased with himself. He says he doesn’t want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.” – David Letterman
“He went to China to avoid government persecution. That’s like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.” – John Oliver
“A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, ‘You’re being watched’. To which NBC executives said, ‘Finally! We would love to be watched’.” – Jay Leno
“People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don’t want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That’s how it works.” – Jay Leno
“Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it’.” – Jay Leno
“You know your phone is being tapped when you’re having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing.” – David Letterman
“The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It’s a great story: When Superman’s dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to the president’s daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber’s phone records.” – David Letterman
“Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint.” – Conan O’Brien
