“Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, ‘Yes. I mean, no’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?” – Jay Leno
“This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, ‘I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What’s next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?” – Jay Leno
“During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn’t want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive ‘No’.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.” – Conan O’Brien
“This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.” – Jay Leno
“In Pakistan, the Taliban’s No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban’s No. 3 man said he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.” – Jay Leno
“The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there’s new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I’m sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I’ll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.” – Craig Ferguson
