“A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don’t want to go to another goddamn wedding.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court’s deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that’s why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour.” – Conan O’Brien
“The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I’m wearing a robe.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.” – Conan O’Brien
“Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, ‘It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, ‘Hey, I thought we were Muslim.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last year the living expenses of the White House residents cost us taxpayers almost 4 million. The cost were mostly due to secret service pensions and Bill Clinton’s party bus.” – Conan O’Brien
“It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much ‘not done’ at home as they get ‘not done’ in Washington.” – Jay Leno
“Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter.” – Jay Leno
“I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life.” – Jon Stewart
