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The Onion Nails It

http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-on-gay-marriage-sure-who-cares,31812/

Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and that the court could “care less who marries whom.”

“Yeah, of course gay men and women can get married. Who gives a shit?” said Chief Justice John Roberts, who interrupted attorney Charles Cooper’s opening statement defending Proposition 8, which rescinded same-sex couples’ right to marry in California. “Why are we even seriously discussing this?”

“Does anyone else up here care about this?” Roberts added as his eight colleagues began shaking their heads and saying, “No,” “Nah,” and “I also don’t care about this.” “Great. Same-sex marriage is legal in the United States of America. Do we have anything of actual import on the docket, or are we done for the day?”

UPDATE: The Wall Street Journal (of all places) has a real account of the arguments in front of the Supreme Court today. It is a riveting read.

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One Comment

  1. Dan wrote:

    Justice Sotomayor came dangerously close to making the The Onion argument:

    JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR: Outside of the -­ outside of the marriage context, can you think of any other rational basis, reason, for a State using sexual orientation as a factor in denying homosexuals benefits or imposing burdens on them? Is there any other rational decision-making that the Government could make? Denying them a job, not granting them benefits of some sort, any other decision?

    MR. COOPER: Your Honor, I cannot. I do not have any — anything to offer you in that regard. I think marriage is -­
    [...]

    Tuesday, March 26, 2013 at 8:12 pm | Permalink