“Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, ‘Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, ‘I’ve got some stuff that can help you with that’.” – Jay Leno
“The Pope said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn’t work.” – David Letterman
“The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!” – Jay Leno
“Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.” – David Letterman
“The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.” – Craig Ferguson
“Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.” – David Letterman
“CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.” – Craig Ferguson
“Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, when the voting’s done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a Pope. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.” – Craig Ferguson
“Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you’re not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America’s problems and Congress says, ‘No’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Reportedly, President Obama’s speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he’ll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one.” – Jay Leno
“Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, ‘If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he’s having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend.” – Conan O’Brien
