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Late Night Political Humor

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up.” – Bill Maher

“Oabma’s been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, they’re heart’s not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchanan said, “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.’” – Bill Maher

“Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, ‘What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a fucking moron?” – Bill Maher

“What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that’s what Mitt is all about — people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it.” – Bill Maher

“Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty.” – Bill Maher

“They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don’t even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what’s going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?” – David Letterman

Tonight they’re having a big benefit that is bothering Fox News on NBC for the victims, with all the stars from New York and New Jersey: Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi. On FOX they said ‘where are the conservative performers?’ That’s right, that’s what would help so much. ‘Thank you Bruce Springsteen. And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy.’” – Bill Maher

“They also on Fox News questioned the timing of the benefit. They said, what’s the rush? I know, when will liberals get it? Storm victims do not want food and blankets, they want answers about Benghazi.” – Bill Maher

“On Fox News they’re obsessed with Benghazi. They want answers. They’re like a teen boy reaching into a pair of panties for the first time. They’re not sure what it is, they’re not sure where it is but they know there’s something in there and they’re going to find it.” – Bill Maher

“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden…he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode.” – Bill Maher

“You almost have to admire the – I can only describe it as the political zen of this man, where the past is always an illusion, and the lying bullshit you say in this perfect moment is all that matters.” – Bill Maher

“You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we’ll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That’s good news.” – David Letterman

“The election is four days away, and more than 2.7 million people in Florida have already cast their vote. Unfortunately, since it’s Florida most of them just stuffed their ballot into a toaster oven.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He’s urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like ‘Romnesia.’ Then he said, ‘I mean it’s just an ‘Obamanation’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney’s tax returns.” – David Letterman

“This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.” – Jimmy Fallon

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