“Mitt Romney’s search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney’s problems is that he’s never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.” – Jay Leno
“The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It’s gotten so bad that Mitt Romney’s butler let his butler go.” – Conan O’Brien
“Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’s going to be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It leaked out that the London Olympics opening ceremony is going to include a showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins.” – Conan O’Brien
“The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.” – David Letterman
“Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.” – Jay Leno
“Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.” – Conan O’Brien
“The apartment that President Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term.” – Jay Leno
