“There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school.” – Jay Leno
“Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It’s basically the president saying, ‘Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called ‘Fast and Furious.’ I don’t know what’s scarier: that we can’t see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney’s picking up a head of steam. He’s roaring and ready to go. He says if he’s elected president he will also consider hunting vampires.” – David Letterman
“With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That’s kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts playing a rich white guy from Massachusetts.” – Jay Leno
“How does that make John Kerry feel? Hey John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. You’d be perfect. Just be yourself.” – Jay Leno
“Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said ‘Leave me alone, I’m having a drink.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Bristol Palin’s new show premiered on the Lifetime network. It’s funny how many of Lifetime’s shows are targeted to people who have no lives at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards lied to her when they first met, saying he was seeing three other woman so she wouldn’t get attached to him. He lied about that. That’s got to be tough to keep straight for Edwards; lying to your wife that you’re not seeing another woman, while lying to the other woman that you are seeing three other women. Guys, don’t try this; John Edwards is a former trial lawyer and a senator. He is a trained professional liar! You will never, ever be able to keep up with him.” – Jay Leno
“For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China.” – Jimmy Kimmel
