“Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday’s primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese.” – Jay Leno
“Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the Wisconsin primary. He won the state of Wisconsin because of his pro-cheese position.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin filed a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They’re always saying the prisons aren’t full enough.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That’s something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin co-hosted the ‘Today’ show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” What they’re going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down ‘Hunger Games’ style.” – Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels.” – David Letterman
“Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he’s a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn’t qualify because he has a wife and a job.” – Conan O’Brien
