“Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don’t think you have to announce that, I think you just don’t run.” – Jimmy Kimmel
”Christie made a big announcement this afternoon. I haven’t watched it yet because I don’t want to know. I’m going to pretend he announced that he’s the new iPhone.” – Stephen Colbert
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?” – David Letterman
“Not only did Christie say he’s not going to run, he’s also not going to jog or walk anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“People said it’s not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn’t make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it’s a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn’t be fat. I’d love to have him in the Oval Office. He’d fit right in.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played ‘Hail to the Chef.’ If he’d run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One’s morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse.” – David Letterman
“Big changes in the Republican field. It’s a 10-way tie for Not Romney.” – Stephen Colbert
“A dead cat might still be more appealing than Mitt Romney. After all, a dead cat did not create the model for Obamacare.” – Stephen Colbert
“As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'” – Jon Stewart
“Even if Republican voters know who the real Mitt Romney is, Mitt Romney doesn’t.” – Jon Stewart
“In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it.” – Jimmy Fallon
