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Late Night Political Humor

“I’ve been watching the Republican debates. I watched these eight clowns on the stage and at the end I wanted to raise my hand and say, ‘I don’t believe in evolution.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry is the frontrunner and they love him because he’s authentic. You got to give him that. He is a real asshole.” – Bill Maher

“Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there’s a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. … These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” – Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, ‘Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.’ Well, that’s good news. If you’re in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead.” – Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don’t get sick in Texas.” – Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.” – Bill Maher

“There’s a big fight within the Republican party because of Rick Perry’s decision to give girls the HPV vaccine, which the right wing hates because it’s a mandate. Republicans hate the word mandate almost as much as they hate an actual man date.” – Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.” – Bill Maher

“After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Mom?’” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, ‘I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I’m offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I’m a high-priced whore.” – Bill Maher

“A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and fucked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin doing cocaine? That’s ridiculous. That stuff can make you yammer like an imbecile.” – Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you’re watching, a little advice for you. Next time you fuck someone’s brains out, put them back in.” – Bill Maher

“Trying to get today’s Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they’ve swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.” – Bill Maher

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2 Comments

  1. ThatGuy wrote:

    Does anyone have a date/time period “when people just took care of each other”?

    Saturday, September 24, 2011 at 2:29 pm | Permalink
  2. Stephen wrote:

    The time when “people just take care of each other” is still in the future. Someday, perhaps, we will have care “of the people, by the people, and for the people” — but until then, for-profit businesses (and their lobbyists) will stand in the way.

    Sunday, September 25, 2011 at 8:08 am | Permalink