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To be a Republican you need to believe

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Barack Obama

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority for years was enforcing U.N. resolutions in Iraq.

5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. Evolution is a lie, but get a flu shot every year because the virus evolves.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which tens of thousands die and the nation is plunged into debt is solid national policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

14. You support “Executive Privilege” for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

15. Support hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

16. You can vote to raise the debt limit as long as Obama is not President.

17. Officials should allow Christian prayer and Bible studies in schools and government buildings as a matter of Religious Freedom, but Muslims should not be allowed to build mosques or be elected to office because they practice Islam.

18. You have an argument why every one of the above is sensible and not hypocritical, and besides look at all the terrible things the Democrats may have done.

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18 Comments

  1. David Freeman wrote:

    19. White males are the only minority in America that is still oppressed.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 5:38 am | Permalink
  2. starluna wrote:

    I think David’s should be added.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 6:45 am | Permalink
  3. ThatGuy wrote:

    19.2 White Christian conservative males are the only minority in America that is still oppressed.*

    *Adding “Christian” and/or “conservative” to any demographic makes it both a) persecuted and b) a moral crime to persecute said Christian and/or conservative demographic.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 6:58 am | Permalink
  4. Patricia wrote:

    Old joke from the 1950′s: How can you tell a conservative Repub from a liberal one?

    A conservative one says “Things should never change!” A liberal one says “Yes! We should have change, but not now.”

    Looks like “no change” holds out over time!

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 8:53 am | Permalink
  5. Iron Knee wrote:

    I’m waiting for someone to send me the equivalent “To be a Democrat you need to believe”. If it doesn’t suck, I’ll post it!

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 9:09 am | Permalink
  6. BabsinFl wrote:

    To be a good Democrat you need to believe:

    1) Jesus only cares about you when you go to Church on Sunday. All that other commandment stuff is just garbage.
    2) Saddam was un-important to Clinton. Osama Bin Laden was a good distraction and ratings booster for Obama.
    3) Trade with any country is unacceptable. Who cares if they actually supply us with viable goods and economy boosting sales. If we can’t trade with them all, then we can’t trade with any. But we can’t build factories or oil rigs on American soil because it’s not “Green”.
    4) The United Nations actually did any good in Iraq for all the years spent negotiating peace.
    5) The American People can’t be trusted to take care of themselves or make decisions about their own welfare and safety. We must regulate and legislate every part of their lives so that they are always making the choice that we feel is best for them.
    6) The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while also spreading military hating propaganda and ordering returning military to remain silent regarding their experiances as to appear non bias.
    7) Give all children condoms so that they can have sex whenever they want.
    8) A good way to fight terrorism is to cater to their demands, make nice with hostage takers, and create an environment of perpetual fear with a new terrorist threat every week so that the American public is easily pliable.
    9) Providing free healthcare to everyone is good national policy. To everyone but the tax payers.
    10) Global warming is the most important (unproven) issue of the century. Everyone must “go green” to save the planet. Except Al Gore. And Obama. And all the wealthy Democratic party members. You can all keep your private jets. And your private cars.
    11) A president lying about an extramarital affair, a senator misapprorpriating funds, and a congressman lying about sexting various women on the tax payer dime is not cause for investigation or impeachment but a president starting a war against a totalitarian terrorist nation who’s had their boot on the throats of its citizens for generations and fighting back against the biggest attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor is a “lie”.
    12) The Consitution is just a “guideline”. The rights granted to us by it are unalienable… unless we need to “adjust” them in the name of safety, for the good of the people, or to allow us to spend more money on more legistlation.
    13) Being a drug addict is always a disease. It’s not their fault. They need our help. With our tax dollars.
    14) You support “Executive Privilege” AND “special consideration” for every Democrat ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
    15) Think hunting is a morally reprehensible activity but you discussed “Go Green” legislation that you later passed over steak dinners.
    16) You can vote to raise the debt limit. So you can spend more.
    17) Officials should allow Muslims to be able to worship as they please to avoid appearing discriminatory, but Christians should not be allowed to pray in public under any circumstances. You should also use tax dollars to fund Muslim public relations committees and mosques in the name of “bridge building.”
    18) Government creates jobs. By legislating business more. If they operate under our thumb, they can’t “do any wrong”. And when they do, we must bail them out. With tax dollars.
    19) You have an argument why every one of the above is sensible and not hypocritical, and besides look at all the terrible things the Republicans may have done.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 9:15 am | Permalink
  7. starluna wrote:

    Babsinfl – nope. Not good. Not even close.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 9:25 am | Permalink
  8. ThatGuy wrote:

    I would say that hunting cows is silly.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 9:25 am | Permalink
  9. BabsinFl wrote:

    Funny how it’s okay to bach Republicans up and down but the second someone points out a Democratic flaw, it’s “not even close”.
    Why isn’t my list as good as the previous? It contains factual information and is presented in the same fashion. Oh I know, because it doesn’t strictly Republican bash. I am not a republican but I am merely pointing out that the Republicans do not hold the patent on hypocracy. Democrats are just as guilty.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 9:31 am | Permalink
  10. ThatGuy wrote:

    Deep breath
    1. There are plenty of Democrats who believe in God and go to church.
    2. Clinton followed Bush Sr.’s lead, enforced the No Fly Zone and, like his predecessor, recognized regime change in Iraq as a bad idea. OBL was obviously a more important target to Obama than to Bush Jr.
    3. The World Trade Organization was founded during Clinton’s presidency. Obama’s stance on Oil rigs on American soil is actually pretty lenient.
    4. During the period between Gulf Wars, the UN inspector’s presence contributed to turning Iraq from a country with WMDs to one without.
    5. This is a republican talking point. Ironic due to the GoP’s stance on marriage, abortion and sexual education, among others.
    6. I’ve not seen any Democrat spreading anti-military propaganda. In fact, no member of either party appears to want to criticize troops or the military at all.
    7. This is ridiculous. See 5.
    8. Though I like the smiley, the fear machine with regards to terrorism is usually a conservative machination. Also see 2. The world’s most wanted man, a terrorist, was killed under a Democratic president.
    9. As tax payers also pay into insurance, having everyone with insurance (i.e. more people paying into the collective system of insurance) saves everyone money.
    10. I would make a comparative argument about the believability of climate change and the existence of God or creationism. But it’s too easy. So I’ll say that Climate Change is a widely agreed upon phenomenon in the scientific community. Obama is not the only US President to have used Air Force One, his job makes it a necessity.
    11. Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. This memo went out a while ago. Getting hundreds of thousands of people killed under false pretences is in every measure a larger offense than minor sexual misconduct.
    12. The Constitution has lasted so long because it is a living document. Let’s not get in to Republicans… getting creative… with the Constitution.
    13. IK’s version is just so much more accurate. Drug addiction is a social diseas and as such must be dealt with as a society.
    14. Both parties really like being in the White House. Let’s not forget that Executive Priviledge as a shield for doing something clearly illegal was a Republican innovation. Both parties can thank Nixon.
    15. No one hunts for beef steaks. Hunting is actually a good way to balance populations of deer, especially here in the Northeast where they have very few predators. Also IK’s point was a jest at something that actually happened.
    16. The debt limit has to do with what we already owe. The Democrats’ plan to raise the debt limit included, I believe, more spending cuts than the Republicans’.
    17. HUGE distinction between freedom to worship and condoning one religion in public buildings. PR with the Muslim world is absolutely crucial at this time, though tax dollars for religious buildings is a bad idea, if that’s actually happening here.
    18. At the time of the financial collapse, there was an astounding lack of regulation. The bailout (I assume you mean TARP) came from Bush’s presidency, and allowing businesses to do wrong (by not regulating or monitoring them) is something Republicans seem very content with.
    19. I’ve really got to get back to work.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 10:12 am | Permalink
  11. David Freeman wrote:

    Nope, you’re still wrong Babsinfl.

    The republican version is funny because there is a significant element of truth just taken a little further into caricature.

    The democratic version is not funny because you started with a caricature of Democrats and pushed it into meaningless political hackery.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 10:18 am | Permalink
  12. David Freeman wrote:

    Good job, Thatguy. You squeezed that in while I wrote my terse little comment. No need for mine. Thanks for taking a break from work.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 10:21 am | Permalink
  13. ThatGuy wrote:

    It’s a slow Friday, I just needed a good #19.

    @Babsinfl: Democrats do a lot of stupid stuff. Your list, for example, could include.

    1. The definition of ‘is’ is confusing
    2. Oral sex is not, in fact, sex.
    3. Compromising with Republicans means doing exactly what they want. Even 2.
    4. Texts are really easy to ‘forget’.
    5. Calling for the resignation of your own Congressmen is a good idea, because you know the opposing party will eventually do the same to its own members. Maybe.
    6. Everyone will research their opinions and assertions before making them public and taking a stand.
    7. Sustaining tax cuts for the rich are acceptable, after all, some of us fall into that category.
    8. Hybrid cars look cool.

    Stuff like that perhaps. In any case, now I do actually need to work!

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 10:28 am | Permalink
  14. A REGULAR READER wrote:

    What Babs spat out is but a pissy, anti-intellectual inversion of the Republican spoof. Plenty of Dem-mockery is possible, if a smart person starts from scratch. (Where have all the intellectual conservatives gone?)

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 10:42 am | Permalink
  15. Iron Knee wrote:

    Babs, the reason we don’t like your list isn’t because it attacks Dems, but because it doesn’t actually. Thatguy’s list (in #13) is a much better start. I think it would be a good exercise to come up with a really funny/nasty list about Dems.

    Here’s a few more:

    9. You voted for Obama because he promised to be less partisan, but you’re pissed off at Obama because he doesn’t fight the Republicans enough.
    10. You scream about saving the trees, but really enjoy your wood home, furniture, cooking spoons, and romantic fires in your fireplace or woodstove.
    11. You like wearing your Che Guevara t-shirt, but have no idea what Che actually believed in.
    12. Clubs that only allow men, or only allow whites, etc. should be illegal, but you have no problem with clubs that only allow women, or organizations that are only for minorities.

    Can someone be in charge of putting together this list? I don’t have time right now.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm | Permalink
  16. starluna wrote:

    Yes to That Guy and IK’s lists. I particularly like #9 from IK and #3.

    I will see if my husband will take up the challenge. He’s usually good at stuff like this.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 1:54 pm | Permalink
  17. Sammy wrote:

    If I hear one more person claim that Christians are not allowed to pray in public I’m going to pray for strength not to kick his ass. If you go to a public park, open your Bible, sit on a bench and read it and pray, there isn’t a liberal around who would outlaw that. And for that matter, a kid IS allowed to take his or her Bible to school and read it. That fallacy is a huge pet peeve of mine. The school is just not allowed to sponsor a prayer group.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm | Permalink
  18. Sammy wrote:

    When I was in high school condoms were only available at the drug store, behind the counter. I lived in a small town where the drug store clerk knew everyone in town, including my folks. I was a male (still am) with a healthy teenage libido. My folks did the right thing and taught me to wait until marriage to have sex. Like I said, I was a healthy teenage male with a healthy teenage male’s libido.

    I may have been my class’s valedictorian, but I was stupid enough to have sex without pregnancy protection. It didn’t take free condoms (which weren’t available) to urge me to have sex with my girlfriend. What it took was alone time and the back seat of a 1973 Pontiac LeMans. Or a girlfriend with a mom who worked nights. If I had had ready access to condoms, it would have at least tempered my adolescent stupidity. Luckily for me, I didn’t knock my girlfriend up. Unfortunately for her, our habits stayed with her and she was pregnant only a couple of years later.

    Friday, July 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm | Permalink