“We’re getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. How many people are surprised by that? How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd?” – Jay Leno
“Will we default on our debt, and will Canada let us crash on their couch for awhile?” – Stephen Colbert
“Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done.” – David Letterman
“President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don’t think that ever works.” – Jay Leno
“I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it’s Bush’s card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million.” – Jay Leno
“Scientists say life on Earth is wiped out every 27 million years, and we have 16 million years left. So we’re all going to die just when we finally get our debt paid off.” – Jay Leno
”Is he teaching people not to be gay or is he like the ‘Green Mile’ guy and just absorbing it all?” – Jon Stewart [on Michele Bachmann’s husband, Marcus Bachmann]
“He’s so gay he calls ‘Top Gun’ ‘that volleyball movie.'” – Jon Stewart [struggling to repress the urge to crack gay jokes about Michele Bachmann’s husband, Marcus Bachmann]
“Of course I’d like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he’s so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down.'” – Jerry Seinfeld [playing Jon Stewart’s Comedy Repression Therapist during a cameo on The Daily Show]
“It’s so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs.” – David Letterman
“It’s so hot that even Michele Bachmann believes in global warming.” – David Letterman
“You know the woman in Texas who gave birth to a 16-pound baby boy? Turns out if was a hoax. It wasn’t a baby at all. It was a Mexican trying to sneak into the country.” – Jay Leno
