“Rahm Emanuel is expected to win the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected as mayor of Chicago. How do I know he will win? It’s Chicago, I called a guy last week to find out.” – Craig Ferguson
“If Rahm Emanuel is elected as mayor, he’ll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn’t want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics.” – Craig Ferguson
“It must have been a tough decision for Rahm to leave the White House, because if he doesn’t get elected mayor, he may be unemployed. But either way, he got away from Biden.” – Craig Ferguson
“Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was on TV and he was angry and defiant. Then he went off the air and no one has seen him since — kind of like Keith Olbermann.” – Jay Leno
“Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of ‘hallucination pills.’ In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.” – Conan O’Brien
“Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, ‘Deal.'” – Jay Leno
“In honor of the revolution a couple in Egypt have named their newborn daughter Facebook. Hope they don’t start ignoring their son MySpace. It’s going to cause a lot of problems when that girl turns 16 and all the boys want to be on Facebook.” – Jay Leno
“In order to acknowledge gay members, Facebook added two new relationship options: ‘In a civil union’ and ‘In a domestic partnership.’ Then, to make sure they didn’t miss anyone, they added ‘One time in college.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A year ago Michelle Obama started her campaign to end childhood obesity called ‘Let’s Move.’ I think Americans have been very clear in their answer: ‘No.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation and said she isn’t following her own dietary guidelines. Well, isn’t that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rush shouldn’t talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need.” – Jay Leno
“The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers.” – Jay Leno
“The National Geographic channel has a new show that gives an inside look at the Secret Service. That’s right, it’s called ‘Ruining the Whole Point of the Secret Service.'” – Jimmy Fallon
