“A Washington Post columnist is proposing February be a Sarah Palin-free month. You know a better month? November 2012.” – Jay Leno
“As you know, just another huge snowstorm back east. It completely shut down Washington, D.C. It’s like the tea party’s dream come true. Mother Nature did what they couldn’t.” – Jay Leno
“This just in: A little while ago the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can run for mayor of Chicago. The law in Chicago is very clear: Dead people can vote and live people can run.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows.” – Conan O’Brien
“A storm hit the East Coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington, D.C., area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called Democrats.” – Conan O’Brien
“North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I’m not sure how long it’s going to last because Kim Jong Il isn’t tall enough to go on any of the rides.” – Conan O’Brien
“There are all these protests going on in Egypt. I don’t know what they’re about, but it might have something to do with elections. Or that the streets in Cairo are so overcrowded there’s not enough room to ‘walk like an Egyptian.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has filed a lawsuit against the Congress cafeteria for damage done to his teeth after he ordered a sandwich wrap and bit into an olive pit. Dennis Kucinich biting into an olive pit is like a regular-sized person biting into a Bocce ball.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you know Kucinich means ‘kitchen’ in lawn gnome?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We’re abandoning the color coded warning system for terror alerts and are going back to the old system of tagging people with beards. No, they’re going to announce when you get to the airport what kind of search procedures they’re using. [Clip of airport with announcer saying, “Today is a testicle search day.”] And it goes faster if you put them in a ziploc bag.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Someone hacked the Facebook account of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Or not really hacked. Someone asked for his password and he surrendered it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Facebook says they’re very concerned about this. And they are committed to making sure the only people who will be able to take and sell your personal information without your consent is them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
