“The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don’t care who the groom is as long as it’s not Levi Johnston.” – Jay Leno
“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting married. Just today, they were talking to Joe the Wedding Planner.” – David Letterman
“BP’s oil cap seems to be working. The cap they’re using is childproof, so it’ll never come off.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren’t geniuses.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama thanked the WNBA champions the Phoenix Mercury for showing his daughters that they can be athletic and still be attractive. And then Michelle Obama said, ‘AHEM!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“They want to build a mosque near the site of the World Trade Center. If you put a mosque there, there’s no way terrorists will blow it up. If I was in charge, I would put a mosque on top of every building in America.” – Jimmy Kimmel
