“Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van.” – Jay Leno
“How many people are here just because you’re hiding from the Arizona police?” – David Letterman
“Stephen Hawking says he does believe in aliens but we shouldn’t try to contact them. I want nothing to do with aliens — I’m fine with Canadians though.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn’t that called New Jersey?” – Jay Leno
“George W. Bush’s memoir is coming out in November. It’s called ‘Decision Points’ and it’s about big decisions in his life. I’ve already made a decision not to read it.” – David Letterman
“They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, ‘No, the guy’s still alive.'” – David Letterman
“Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular.” – Jay Leno
“During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there’s no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn’t Joe Biden?” – Jay Leno
“Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women’s team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn’t finished high school, they figured it out.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots.” – Jimmy Fallon
