“Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Priuses.” – Jay Leno
“It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.” – Craig Ferguson
“Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now. ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it’s Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we’re running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth. ” – Craig Ferguson
“The movie ‘Avatar’ is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says ‘save the planet’ like millions of plastic DVD cases.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King.” – David Letterman
“To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he’s probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here’s the amazing thing — hasn’t even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt.” – Jay Leno
“A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren’t convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don’t believe Obama was born at all. ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let’s put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, yeah. They don’t want the government messing with their business unless it’s a bailout. Then, ‘Please!'” – Jay Leno
“Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?” – David Letterman
“You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, ‘O.K., it’s kind of their fault. I mean, to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'” – David Letterman
“Vice President Biden appeared on ‘The View.’ They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations. ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That’s the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He’s in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family.” – David Letterman
