Political Irony

“It’s opening week at the U.N., ladies and gentlemen. Security is very tight here in New York City. A lot of dictators all over the city. You know what I’ve noticed? Dictators tend to be tiny. Have you noticed this? Kim Jong Il, a tiny little guy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Another guy like this: Mayor Bloomberg.” – David Letterman

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked things off with a hate-filled rant, followed by hors d’oeuvres.” – David Letterman

“Ahmadinejad, quite a speech, that guy. I mean, where is Joe Wilson when you need him, for God’s sakes?” – David Letterman

“This sure should be very exciting at the U.N. General Assembly. It’s being hosted by Neil Patrick Harris.” – David Letterman

“I know that traffic is insane out there. It’s because of the United Nations climate week. And over 150 world leaders are here, including President Obama. It’s good to see all these guys get in their separate cars, commuting back and forth to the U.N., to discuss ways to improve our climate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier today, President Obama spoke at the U.N. climate change summit. And he promised to get greenhouse gas emissions back to the level they were at in 1990. And just to show you he’s serious to get back to 1990, Obama gave the whole speech dressed as Kid from Kid ‘n Play.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over 150 world leaders in town for the conference. As a result, there’s also 150 mistresses in town. So it’s just a traffic nightmare.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Several heads of state are staying at the Ritz-Carlton over on 59th. Most check in under an alias for security reasons, although I’m pretty sure that I know who Joe Schmiden is.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has angered Eastern Europe after dropping the U.S. missile defense system in the area over there; although President Obama says he hasn’t abandoned them. He says in the event they do get hit by nuclear attack, they will be covered by his health-care plan. So, that is nice.” – Jay Leno

“Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he’s a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he’s facing, now says he’d be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know who was here last night? President Barack Obama was here last night. Politics notwithstanding, what a graceful guy. I mean, after the show, he was nice enough to autograph my swine-flu mask.” – David Letterman

“Actually, did you see Obama the last couple of days – he was on six different TV shows pitching his health-care plan. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox.” – Jay Leno

“Obama did interviews on five morning shows on Sunday, and then appeared on ‘Letterman’ last night. And today, Joe Biden taped an episode of ‘Cash Cab.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see President Obama on ‘Letterman’ last night? It was very funny. I especially liked the segment, ‘Stupid Biden Tricks.'” – Craig Ferguson

“It was a bit awkward, though, when Paul Schaefer shouted, ‘You lie!'” – Craig Ferguson

“Actually, I’m getting kind of worried about President Obama. He hasn’t been on a TV show for almost 11 hours. Is everything all right? Is he O.K.?” – Jay Leno

“The President has been making a lot of television appearances. On Sunday, he did all five morning news shows, which they say is a record for a president, and last night he was on with David Letterman. The President has been on so many shows lately, even Ryan Seacrest was like, ‘Dude, slow down.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Of course, Bush hated to be on any TV show that didn’t have a ‘Showcase Showdown.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Late last night, Obama was also on the Maury Povich show. Good news, turns out he’s not the father. John Edwards is.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, more problems for Democratic sleazeball, John Edwards. The campaign official who claims he fathered the child of Edwards’ mistress is writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. So, looks like USC wasn’t the only one playing with bad Trojans.” – Jay Leno

“No, according to The New York Times, a man named Andrew Young, who is a friend of Edwards, has submitted this book proposal where he reveals John Edwards is the father of the child he had with his mistress, Rielle Hunter. We have a copy of the book right here. It’s called, ‘Duh.'” – Jay Leno

“And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn’t Cheap Trick be more appropriate?” – Jay Leno

“There’s a report going around that John Edwards is getting ready to admit that he did father a child with that woman he had an affair with during his presidential campaign. According to ‘The LA Times,’ one of his aides wrote a book proposal in which he claims Edwards convinced him to come forward and say he was the father of the child, which the guy did, even though he was married. Honestly we should make this guy president. If he can convince a man to say he fathered a child he didn’t, he could convince anybody to do anything, right? ‘Come on, China, keep lending us money. We’re good for it.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is all just speculation, you know. We don’t know any of this actually happened and we won’t be certain that the baby belongs to John Edwards until we see how the child’s hair responds to blow drying.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today in New York City, it’s the fifth annual meeting of the Clinton Global Initiative. It’s a very big political event where Bill Clinton gets to spend time with government officials he rarely sees, like Hillary, for example.” – Craig Ferguson

“Also in New York is Bill Clinton, who’s hosting his own Clinton Global Initiative over at the Sheraton Hotel. It’s room 319. Knock three times, ladies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m very excited about the show. I hope you folks are as well because, I’ll tell you what, former President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight. Going to be great. Two old guys talking about their bypasses.” – David Letterman

“Bill Clinton is here for a very important reason. He heard that CBS had an opening in the 10 p.m. slot. Wants to be right there.” – David Letterman

“Actually, you might have noticed, the fall season, begun a little different this year. Even squirrels are kind of distancing themselves from Acorn. Have you noticed that?” – Jay Leno

“Well, you know what’s interesting? Because of all these scandals, the executive director of Acorn, a woman named Bertha Lewis, said Acorn will fire any employees ‘too stupid to understand they are not reaching professional standards.’ Why can’t we get this rule for Congress?” – Jay Leno

“Today’s the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the dying leaves are because of Obama’s health-care plan.” – Jay Leno

“If you wanted to, you could get on the eBay and you could bid on having dinner with Sarah Palin. Did you know that? Yep, you could bid on it. And the winning bid was $63,000. You get to sit down and have dinner. Of course, you know, for that price – people say that’s a lot of money – she’ll shoot the main course.” – David Letterman

“It’s the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spitzer.” – David Letterman

“That’s a lot of money. But you can sit down with Sarah Palin, spend a couple hours; really get to know her. You know, it’s the thing John McCain should have done a year ago.” – David Letterman

“Last week, Dick Cheney had back surgery. You know Dick Cheney? Dick ‘Shotgun’ Cheney? You know, it’s the complications from carrying Bush for eight years. That’s what it was.” – David Letterman

“Doctors are optimistic about the surgery. They said Cheney’s back surgery was quite risky but not necessary. Risky but not necessary. So it’s like the Iraq war.” – David Letterman

“You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe.” – Jay Leno

“Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, the immigrant population in California actually declined last year. When asked if they had noticed, 80 percent of the people in California said, ‘Si.'” – Jay Leno

“Chrysler just announced that it will no longer put owner’s manuals in their cars. Not only that, Chrysler has pretty much given up on putting owners in their cars.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today’s a big day. The MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual genius awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago.” –Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. government is giving American Indian tribes $224 million of stimulus money to help fight crime on reservations. The tribes say that they’re grateful for the money and plan to bet it all on black.” – Jimmy Fallon