“The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. … CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter’s jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever.” -Jay Leno
“Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout.” -Jay Leno
“And AIG, you know the insurance company who’s getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they’re giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they’d be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?” -Jay Leno
“According to this week’s Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what’s known as luxury shame. They’re embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away.” -Jay Leno
“Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it’s a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing.” -Jay Leno
“Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do.” -Jimmy Kimmel
