Political Irony

“Rush Limbaugh says if health care reform passes, he’s going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don’t have to pay for.” – Jay Leno

“Health care passes, Rush Limbaugh leaving. Or as President Obama calls that, a ‘win-win.’” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, the White House said that it wants to pass the health care bill by March 18, or March 19. But at the very, very latest, March 21. Unless they have to wait until March 23, in which case they’ll definitely want to pass it by April 6. Or April 8. Definitely by April 10. The 6th through the 10th, or possibly April 12 is a possibility. April 12, 2025, will definitely be the date. If not then, 2027. And if that doesn’t come to fruition then, it’s going to cut it off at 2040. So there you go. So, we’ll have the health care bill by 2040, hopefully.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke.” – Jay Leno

“New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it’s not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it’s Eric Massa trying to get in your pants.” – Jay Leno

“Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn’t breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, ‘We should have tried that at Gitmo.’” – David Letterman

“If you’re wondering why we don’t have healthcare, it’s because there’s too much tickling in Congress.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sure, we’ve all had tickle fights with our male coworkers, we’ve all played ‘Kill the old guy.’ In fact, Dick Cheney used to play it with a gun.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Former Democratic congressman Erica Massa is all over the news; he resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped staff workers, but then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. Glenn Beck had him on his show the other night. Now, out-crazying Glenn Beck is no small task.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn’t show them on the air. Now if you’re trying to convince people you’re not gay, you probably shouldn’t show your big book of naked sailors.” – Jay Leno

“Just a word of warning tonight — anybody in the audience who refuses to laugh will be tickled by former congressman Eric Massa. ” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last week, it was in the 20s, and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. Crazy. I had to keep changing my outfit and my position on global warming.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying ‘Obama wages jihad on fisherman,’ and NPR says ‘Obama protects aquatic unicorns,’ and I don’t know who to believe.” –Craig Ferguson

© Clay Bennett

“Well, big changes announced today for the next Indianapolis 500. All the cars will be Toyota Priuses.” – Jay Leno

“As you know, the Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, in San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 miles an hour. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into another Toyota going in the opposite direction.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been a rough year for Toyota. They’ve launched a big PR campaign to assure customers that their cars are OK to drive, which is an important quality in a car.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles — because that’s the only safe place to stand.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And I love this. Radio host Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the United States if health care reform passes. Well, if that doesn’t get the Democrats to rally, nothing will.” – Jay Leno

“Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.” – Craig Ferguson

“The White House unveiled its official eggs for the 2010 Easter Egg Roll on April 5. The official eggs come in purple, pink, green and, why are we talking about Easter eggs instead of health care?” – Jimmy Fallon

“In the morning here at CBS, they have ‘The Early Show.’ Tomorrow on ‘The Early Show,’ host Harry Smith is having a live colonoscopy. I know what you’re thinking: Finally, real breakfast fun. Here we go. Bring it on. Welcome to the Obama health care plan, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how it’s going to work.” – David Letterman

“On ‘The Early Show’ tomorrow morning, Harry Smith will receive the first live TV colonoscopy. CBS is very excited; they’re already planning the spinoff show, ‘How I Met Your Rectum.’” – Craig Ferguson

“The network hopes that the live colonoscopy will get good ratings, so to boost their chances, the procedure will be performed by the cast of ‘CSI.’” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has signed a bill to increase tourism to the United States. Tourism is way down, which is surprising. You’d think people from foreign countries would want to come here to see where their American jobs originated.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time during his presidency that anything’s gotten passed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid is in trouble again for saying it’s really good news that America only lost 36,000 jobs in February. Well, think how happy he’ll be when November comes and he loses his job.” – Jay Leno

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election.” – David Letterman

“He says the whole thing was an elaborate hoax. I’m skeptical. I think I’ll wait to see what Kim Jong-il says.” – David Letterman

“But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O’Brien ever hosted ‘The Tonight Show.’” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. It’s going to be called ‘So You Think You Can See Russia?’” – Craig Ferguson

“As you may have heard, the House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. That’s the good news. The bad news? All those new jobs, fixing Toyotas.” – Jay Leno

“They have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?” – David Letterman

“I’m not sure if you guys have heard the latest update on healthcare reform, but Democrats are saying they hope to get a final healthcare vote before Easter. Well, I don’t know. Two resurrections is a lot to hope for, don’t you think?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Just two days after being told by his doctors to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama visited a restaurant in Savannah, Georgia, where he ate a meal which included fried chicken, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, cream corn, biscuits, corn bread, barbeque pork, and blueberry pudding. That’s why he’s in favor of healthcare. He’s going to need it.” – Jay Leno

“This week, President Obama talked to Congress about healthcare. He said, ‘Just get it done.’ See, that’s when you know things are bad, okay? When the President of the United States is quoting Larry the Cable Guy. ‘Git ‘er done!’” – Jay Leno

“Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, ‘Heads’ and ‘Tails.’” – Jay Leno

“New York Governor David Paterson under investigation for accepting free Yankee tickets to the World Series last fall. If found guilty, could be sentenced to free Mets tickets.” – Jay Leno

“And because of the bad economy, the state of Maine says its sales of lobsters have dropped dramatically. In fact, the price of lobster is so low, for the first time ever if you go into Red Lobster restaurant, you can actually get lobster now.” – Jay Leno

© Max Ink

Nice commentary on his site, too.